Readjusting

I am one of those people who has a difficult time readjusting to "normal life" after I return from a mission trip. But it's a different kind of adjustment this year. I guess over the last 2 years I've dealt with the feelings of guilt I normally return with that I was blessed to be born in the United States and have freedoms that many people in the world still do not have, that I am "rich" by the world's standards, and that my life is a good life.

This time I'm just having a hard time believing that my trip was real. You'd think that 11 days away would be very real - and it sure felt like an eternity while I was gone. But now that I'm home, it's just hard - it's as if it was all a dream and I can't remember the details. And I hate that. Our trip was so amazing, so full of God's presence, that I hate that I am having a hard time recalling all of the exact moments. I think I have realized that if Scott ever felt the calling to be a full time missionary I'd be on board in a nanosecond. Is that weird? Totally off the wall? Would my old life feel like just a dream if our family was called to serve full time? I don't know.

I am just praying that God will clear the fog because my heart already yearns to go back to Ngaamba. But, I know it will be a while before I return. Maybe that's why the fog has set in. Maybe I am subconsciously protecting my heart. I love the people of Ngaamba so much. They are truly amazing people - I don't pity them, because they don't need or want pity. In all honesty, they have everything that matters. James 2:5 says, "Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?" 

I told a couple of my team members that for the first time I have actually seen Scripture word for word evident in my life - there are the poorest of the poor living in Ngaamba, but they are rich in faith. It is just as God's word says. I have never seen faith as evident as in the lives of the precious people in Ngaamba. They tell us - Americans, white, and rich - that they will pray for us because they know He will answer. Humbled. And just in awe. Is it any wonder I long to go back?!?

So...I have thought of posting pictures...but there are just SO many to share. I took well over 700 (only because I didn't have my camera with me one day and then my battery died at the end of the week). But I narrowed them down to the best 186. :) You can view them here if you'd like.

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Thank you for all of your prayers, cards, and emails while I was gone. Scott and the kiddos were safe and healthy, and I was truly able to enjoy my time while I was away. I did miss my family, but not in a homesick way - just in a "I wish they were here to experience this with me" kind of way. But I know that without your prayers, I probably would have cried through the whole trip. So my team thanks you, and so do I. :)

My heart overflows

Mirriam and Ella Beth. Ngaamba North, Kenya, Africa. June 15, 2011.

This picture will be framed in Ella Beth's room with a letter from me about how this precious girl will always have her name.

Update 7

Sasa!


I am writing to you once again from the Strand Hotel in Nairobi. We are all in the process of getting clean (or as clean as we can) before loading the plane to head home. Our time during the last three days in Ngaamba has been one that we will all treasure forever. Being able to stay there over night and fully experience life in Ngaamba has been amazing. We have an even higher respect for the people and the impact that they make on their community.



Yesterday, we were paired up as team members and we spend the day with Ngaamba families. While we all had different experiences of what we did during the day, all of us were blown away by what it takes to run a normal day in Ngaamba. The people of Ngaamba are not shy of working hard. They put their heart and soul into everything they do - from worshipping to cooking to farming to retrieving water. Our team was put to shame (again!) by Ngaamba's resilience and resourcefulness.



We can not wait to share with you once we get home our experience here. We are all looking forward to time on the plane to process all that God has changed in our hearts. There are so many things that are hard to put into words, but we want our lives to look different from before once we come home. God has truly done amazing things in us and for us while we have been away.



Thank you for your continued prayers throughout this week. Thank you for praying for our safe travels home. And, most of all, thank you for being a part of our journey.



See you soon!

Amber

Update 6

Sasa!

Today was another great day in Ngaamba. We worked very hard along side the women and men making GREAT progress on our work site. Our team was split 50/50 today - half of us traveling back and forth up and down the hill toting satchels of rocks and the other half mixing cement and building the gabion wall. We were all able to connect with many of the same people from the community that we worked with yesterday. Our bonds are growing stronger, and true friendships have been established.

One of the things that most of the women here will tell you is, "Don't forget me when you leave. We won't forget you." We are so touched by their love for us, and we have all seen how each of us are remembered from previous trips. We assure them that they will never be forgotten. They have made such an impact upon our hearts, and we pray that our relationships with them will be evident in our lives once we return home. We choose to never forget Ngaamba and the people who make it so special.

Today marks our last day in a hotel. We will be camping for the next two nights in Ngaamba. We have been assured that lions won't attack, but your prayers won't hurt! (Prayers that bugs/spiders/snakes/etc. will also leave us alone are also appreciated!!!) We are excited to spend nights in Ngaamba and be paired up with women in the community to experience a "day in the life." Given that this is our last night in a hotel, this may or may not be the last update you will receive. There may be an opportunity on Friday to send out an update before we head home, but there may not be. Cross your fingers!

Again, thank you for your prayers. We feel them here, and we are so blessed to have you at home.

Until the next update (hopefully!),

Amber

Update 5 - and a story

Sasa!

Today we had a great day in Ngaamba. We arrived this morning around 9 a.m. We were greeted by very excited children and the school staff. The leaders of Ngaamba North (where we were serving today) had breakfast waiting for us when we arrived. Once we finished there it was time to work!

The ladies of our team worked along side the women of Ngaamba. We walked 1/2 mile up a hill to retrieve rocks in burlap sacks to tote back down to the work site for the gabion wall. It was no easy task because we made numerous trips, but all of the ladies rocked it out! The men stayed at the work site and helped the men from Ngaamba make repairs and get ready for tomorrow where they will begin spreading cement. Our guys also rocked it out because they were in the beating sun endlessly. Both for the women and men, today was very much a day of "awesomeness" - as coined by a fellow team member. We were able to fellowship with the leaders in the community first thing in the morning, serve side by side with them during the day while building relationships, again fellowship with them after we were finished working, and we were able to play with the children once the work was done. Our day could not have been any more complete! 

So many great conversations came about today that would not have happened had we not been spending time working along side the people in Ngaamba. Many times it is easy to just put your head down and work until a job is finished. But, building the relationships through working with the people here is so much more beneficial for everyone. We were able to learn about specific prayer requests that people had, learn a lot about their lives, learn about their tremendous faith in God, and we were able to share with them our hearts and our love for them.

We look forward to going to back tomorrow and doing it all over again!

Until the next update,
Amber
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That was the email I sent to everyone on the team members' list of contacts. But I wanted to write about a personal story while it is fresh in my heart.


On my last trip up the Hill (by the end of the day it definitely requires being capitalized...it was a BIG Hill)...so on my last trip up I was joined by about 8 women from Ngaamba. We were walking and talking together, and all of a sudden I hear someone calling, "Kanini, Kanini! Wait!" (Kanini is my Ngaamba name, it means "little one"). I stop and turn around and a women with a small child is running up the Hill toward me. She gets to me and takes my dirty hand in her own. She asks me if I want to hold her baby who is 8 months old, and of course I do. She then tells me that she would like for me to bless her daughter with an American name as I have been blessed with a Ngaamba name.


The only name that comes to mind is Ella Beth. I look at this woman and I look at her precious child, and I name her after my own daughter. She takes my hand, and she thanks me. She thanks me for giving her daughter my daughter's name. 

I am humbled and honored all at the same moment. I am humbled that a women would ask me to give her daughter another name, and I am humbled that she would accept the name of my own precious daughter. Tears simply won't stop spilling from my eyes. And I am honored that there is a mother and a child in Ngaamba that will always know me and know my daughter's name. This mother will look at her child with her beautiful ebony skin, she will rub her cheek as all mothers do, she will look into her eyes - and she will call her "Ella Beth." There are simply no words to describe; my heart simply overflows.


I can not wait to get home to my own Ella Beth and tell her this story. And even more, I can not wait to return to Ngaamba someday with Ella Beth. Lord willing, and something tells me He won't fail, Ella Beth will meet Ella Beth. And my heart will again overflow..

Update 4

Sasa! (Hello!)
We have had a very full day today. We left Nairobi at 6:45 this morning and drove for about an hour and a half to Ngaamba. What a blessing it was to be back in Ngaamba; many of us felt as if we were returning home because so much of our hearts are still there. We were welcomed by children and women - many who remembered us. I can not begin to tell you how special it was to be remembered by these precious people. Many hugs were given and many pictures were taken. Everyone here loves to have their picture taken because we are able to immediately show them on our view screens what their pictures look like. Most people in Ngaamba do not own mirrors, so they love to see what they look like. Believe me when I tell you, they are all beautiful! They have the whitest smiles and the brightest eyes. Oh we just love them!

We went to church this morning with our friends here. We worshiped, prayed, listened to the message, worshiped some more, and then ate with them. It is such an experience to visit a church in Ngaamba. Our team discussed tonight that surely the way these people worship wholeheartedly is how we will all worship our Father when we go home to Heaven. There is no embarrassment or reservation about celebrating God and His greatness!

After church and eating the lunch that was prepared for us, most of our team members were able to meet their sponsor child. All of us were completely moved, and our hearts stretched open even more. It is something to write a check each month for your sponsor child, but it is something entirely different to meet him/her face to face; to hug them and talk with them, share pictures and stories.
Many of us were asked during our time of raising support why we can't just send money to Kenya and stay at home. Meeting our sponsor children face to face today really solidified for all of us that it's more than just money. We are building a relationship with the people here in Ngaamba so that they know that they are valued by us and most importantly by their Heavenly Father. They are worth it!

I can not end this update with out telling you that it is HOT in Ngaamba. Tomorrow we will begin our project work on the gabion wall, and we will have plenty of water and sunscreen with us! Please pray for our health and safety as we work hard; we want to serve the people here and do as much as we can while we are here, but we also realize that we will have to be careful as we work.

God bless you until the next update!
Amber

Update 3

Hello! We have spent our day in Nairobi. Most of us on the team have not spent any time in Nairobi before today, and it was a very memorable experience. We went into Kibera which is the largest slum in Africa and the second largest in the world. The conditions were indescribable by words, and I don't know if the pictures we took will do them justice once we get home. Yet despite the conditions and the extreme poverty the people in Kibera have hope. 

We went to the WEEP Centre which is a home for women who are HIV positive. The women came to WEEP under the most desperate circumstances to find food, medicine, and hope. Women diagnosed with AIDS are stigmatized and cast out from their society; their husbands abandon them and they are forced to care for themselves and their children on their own. The women are treated as though it is their fault that they have contracted the disease, despite the statistics of rape - 1 out of every 4 women has been raped. In the WEEP Center, Mama Gladys gives women with AIDS and their children a safe place to rehabilitate. They are provided with food, a shelter, and the medicines that they need to survive. 

There are currently 12 women and their children in the WEEP Center. They are precious people! They love God and are not ashamed to tell you so. They will even tell you how blessed they are. 

Blessed. It sure gave our team pause to be around women who are seriously ill and living in deplorable conditions and who still consider themselves blessed. They all know that they are children of God, and that He cares for them and will not leave them. How true they are to consider themselves blessed.

We danced with the women and laughed until we cried! We sang with them and smiled until our cheeks hurt. And we prayed with the women. We prayed that the Lord would continue to bless them with health and the necessities needed for them and their children to survive. We prayed that God will continue to use the WEEP Centre as a place of rehabilitation for women in Kibera who have no other option. We asked for blessings upon Mama Gladys - what a remarkable women who has allowed her heart to be so stretched by God that she devotes herself day and night to the women who need her. And we prayed that we would never forget our experience today with these WEEP women; that our hearts would break for what breaks God's heart.

They were all so welcoming and excited to have visitors. They told us that "If our community sees white people choosing to come visit us, then that has a huge impact on how others in Kibera see us." We do hope that God will open the hearts and minds of those who stigmatize these women. They are surely missing out if they don't.

Tomorrow we head to Ngaamba. Our hearts may surely burst by the end of this week.

Until the next update,

Amber

Update 1 & 2

I thought I would post the emails that I am sending out to family and supporters while we are in Kenya. Hope you enjoy keeping up with us!

UPDATE 1:

Hi there. My name is Amber, and I am going to be the communicator for our Kenya 2011 team. I look forward to sharing with you what is going on with us while we are away. We do not know the frequency of our internet access while we are overseas, but I will send out updates as often as I can!

I did want to share with everyone our final itinerary so that, if you like, you can pray specifically for us each day:

Thursday, 6/9: We depart from ATL at 7:45 a.m. We will be in flight all day, night, and half-day on Friday.

Friday, 6/10: We should arrive in Nairobi mid-afternoon. We will be visiting theHavilla Orphanage. 

Saturday, 6/11: Our team will be serving in Kibera Slum. We will be doing a painting project with around 80 children at the WEEP Centre. (This link will take you to a slideshow. It is well worth your time, I promise.) We will also be spending relational time with the WEEP women.

Sunday, 6/12: We will depart for Ngaamba. We will be visiting two churches, and we will have a welcome lunch with the leaders of the village. Afterwards, those of us with sponsor children will meet with our sponsored child. This should be a very special, and very emotional, time for all of us involved. Following these visits, our team will walk through the community to view the worksite and prepare supplies.

Monday, 6/13: We will start on the Gabion construction project; we will spend the entire day working.

Tuesday, 6/14: We will continue working on the Gabion project for the entire day.

Wednesday, 6/15: We will wrap up our project work before noon. Afterwards, our team will facilitate activities for K-5 year old students in Ngaamba. We will be making crosses and doing face painting for the children. Should be fun! This will be our first evening to camp within the community.

Thursday, 6/16: Team members will be paired up, and we will do "A Day in the Life" with people in the village. We will assist with daily activities and chores. In the evening we will host a campsite prayer meeting for Ngaamba. We will again camp within the community.

Friday, 6/17: We will break down camp and depart for Nairobi. We will be showering in day rooms - much needed, and much appreciated by everyone who will be on our flights coming home!

Saturday, 6/18: We are scheduled to arrive back to ATL at 2:02 p.m.

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As you think of us while we are away, we would all greatly appreciate your prayers. Specific prayer requests are for safety, health, team unity, flexibility among team members, and for comfort and safety for those we have left at home. 

We can not thank you enough for your support. We trust that God has His hands on each of us and on our paths ahead. 

Until the next update (hopefully!), God bless!

Amber

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UPDATE 2

Hello from Kenya!

We arrived safely to Nairobi this afternoon around 1 p.m. Our flights were a bit long, but we were all thankful to make it here safely and stretch our legs!

Once we arrived in Nairobi, we went straight to the Havilla Orphanage. What a treat that was! We were able to take a tour of their new complex, and we are just amazed at how God has blessed Joseph and his wife to run the orphanage. They have become a fully self-sustaining house; they have cows for milk, goats for meat, chickens for eggs, and a lovely garden for vegetables. They have also been able to successfully create a method to use bio-fuel. They are using "cow poop" (as Joseph calls the manure) as a source of fuel in their kitchen. And, you'll be very surprised to know that it doesn't stink! They now have a reliable way to heat their water to make it safe to drink, and they are able to consistently and thoroughly cook their food. Such a blessing to the orphanage.

Before we left, the children put on a wonderful concert for us. They sang and dance for us. A few team members even got involved and had a wonderful time. This was definitely a very special way to begin our trip in Kenya. The people here are so uninhibited in their worship, and the first thing that the children will say when they tell you about themselves is, "I love God." They fully delight in their relationship with God, and it is humbling to all of us. Here the children are surrounded by poverty and harsh living conditions, yet they put God first and thank Him for everything that they do have. What a great perspective to start our journey!

Tomorrow we serve in Kibera with children and WEEP women. We are looking forward to bonding with the children with crafts and spending time serving the women, working along side of them doing whatever needs to be done.

Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragement. We feel it! 

Until the next update,

Amber

"We may not be able to give much, but we can always give the joy that springs from a heart that is in love with God." ~Mother Theresa 

Kenya Bound

It's the leaving that is so hard. I don't know how many tears I have shed just thinking about leaving, and now the day has arrived.

I tossed and turned too much last night to have gotten any rest. I have second guessed my decision to leave because of all of the fears that I have. All of my fears have to do with Scott and Ella Beth and Landon. Will they be safe? What if something happens while I'm gone? I want so badly to push these thoughts aside because I know they are from Satan. But it's hard.

I cling to 2 Timothy 1:7 "For the Lord has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and sound mind." I reminded Satan over and over again that he does not have the power over me to drive me crazy - unless I give it to him. And, it's been hard not to. When those fearful thoughts come up of the "what ifs" while I'm away, I can easily allow myself to go crazy.

But I stop and pray. And I simply must choose to give my children over to the One who made them, who loves them, and who has already directed their paths.

It's hard because I love them so. And I hate to say bye-bye.

I ask that as often as you think of me being gone or think of Scott and the kiddos that you would take a minute to pray for them. Please pray hard for their safety and their health. Please pray for Scott's work schedule that it won't be difficult while I am away (but that he will still have work to bring in the money that we need). Please pray for Ella Beth who is already having a hard time and I have not left yet. Today is going to be especially difficult because she knows that I am leaving the family this evening. There will be many tears shed by both of us, and it is going to be so hard to pry her arms away as I have to turn and leave. And I hate that.

But I know that God is in this. And I am Kenya bound.

Thank you, friends.

Father, lead me

A song that I listen to over and over again is "Lead Me," by Sanctus Real. The entire song is actually directed at men, challenging them to be the husbands and fathers that God has created them to be. But each time I listen to the song, my heart breaks. The song speaks of leading children, and how we can't lead them without first being led by our Heavenly Father. I try so often to do things on my own, and oh, how I repeatedly fail.

I have these pictures around our house, and like a moth to a flame I am drawn to them. 

 

I know in most families there are "daddy's girl" and "mama's boy" - but not in the Castleberry Clan. In our house, we have a Mama's girl and a Daddy's boy.

These pictures serve as a daily reminder that I have two beautiful eyes looking up to me, watching my every move, learning, becoming. I am afraid that I don't always portray what I want her to see (impatience, frustration, quick temper). I am thankful that not only are God's mercies new each morning, but Ella Beth's are as well. I want to give her the best of my life - not the leftovers when I'm too busy wasting time on the computer or on my "cool" phone. I don't want to leave her hungry for love when I can choose to give up everything else.

Father, help me to daily make the choice to put her first, before myself. Father, lead me that I may be a better example of Your love for my daughter. Give me the discernment to focus on what truly matters in this life, and give me the courage to leave everything else behind. Ella Beth is a precious gift that you have put under my care. Help me not fail her. I pray that You shine through me so that she can see how deeply she is loved.

So, Father, give me the strength to be everything I'm called to be.
Oh, Father, show me the way to lead them.
Won't you lead me?

To lead them with strong hands, 
To stand up when they can't
Don't wanna leave them hungry for love -
chasin' things that I could give up.

I'll show them I'm willin' to fight,
and give them the best of my life
so we can call this a home.

Lead me 'cause I can't do this alone.
Father, lead me 'cause I can't do this alone.

Sovereignty and Truth

Lately, my readings have led me to God's sovereignty. I decided to look up the definition of sovereignty.

Sovereignty: status, dominion, power, authority; roalty; supreme and independent authority

Do I truly trust in the Sovereignty of God in my life? Do I truly trust that God has my life under His complete authority? There have been times in my llife when I would have said no.

Most certainly, during the times of Ella Beth's sickness I totally and completely lacked confidence in God's sovereignty. I doubted at times whether or not God was truly in control, and to be completely honest there were times when I even questioned God's existence. I dared Him to prove Himself; prove His love for me. If He truly loved me then I dared Him to heal Ella Beth.

Wow. Looking back now, I am just thankful that God didn't put me in my place! But, I have learned that God can handle my honesty. He can handle my questions. He can handle my fears.

More and more as I spend time in God's Word, my heart is being filled with His Truth. I am learning to replace my false beliefs with the Truth that God has given to all of us. But this does not just happen automatically. One thing I have learned over and over (and over!) again is that God wants all of us to search for Him; to find Him. It's in our searching that we find what we need and want most. Of course, we must be sure that we are looking in the right place - and that place is always, always in TRUTH. Our hope for life, our hope for love...it all lies within TRUTH.

Romans 8:31 "What, then, shall we say in response to these things [sufferings]? If God is for us, who can be against us?"

2 Corinthians 4:18 "So we fix our eyes on not what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Psalm 46:1-2 "God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea."

Isaiah 12:2 "Surely God is my Salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my Salvation."

TRUTH: God is for us. God loves us. God is our strength. God is our only Salvation.

New Each Morning

Renewing Your Mind

This morning my devotion really struck a chord with me. In my journey to become content with where the Lord has me in my life, I have been learning to take my thoughts captive. Romans 12:2 is a verse that I memorized while I was in Haiti and have hidden in my heart. It is also a verse that I come back to often on my journey...many times daily, and honestly some times more than once a day. Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." (emphasis added)

I am in the Birds on a Wire mom's group, and we are going through NPMi's HOPE curriculum. HOPE is about taking off our "flesh" (sinful nature) and replacing it with the Spirit of Christ.

I come back again and again to another verse that I memorized while I was in Haiti: Philippians 4:12 (emphasis added), "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." The process of taking off our flesh, of renewing our minds, must be learned. I am a sinful person by nature, but I can learn to take off my own flesh and replace it with that of Christ's. By taking my thoughts captive, renewing my mind to believe in my heart the promises of Christ and then living out those promises, I am able to fully live in the Presence of my Savior.



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I hope God will speak to your heart through this devotion.

February 2, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young



I am renewing your mind. When your thoughts flow freely, they tend to move toward problems. Your focus gets snagged on a given problem, clingling round and round it in attempts to gain mastery. Your energy is drained away from other matters through this negative focus. Worst of all, you lose sight of Me.

A renewed mind is Presence-focused. Train your mind to seek Me in every moment, every situation. Sometimes you can find Me in your surroundings: a lilting birdsong, a loved one's smile, golden sunlight. (Remember my new Habit #1 of 2011 - to count my blessings? Even the smallest of blessings are still straight from our Heavenly Father and He doesn't want us to miss them.) At other times, you must draw inward to find Me. I am always present in your spirit. Seek My Face, speak to Me, and I will light up your mind.

Romans 12:2; Psalm 105:4

Discontentment


God has really been laying on my heart lately how easily I fall into the trap of being discontent. So I am going to concentrate 2011 on the art of being content.

Phillipians 4:11-12 says, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
I believe the key word in these verses is "learned." In our society (and apparently in societies many years ago) there is always the pull to want something different than what we have.
I found these quotes by Kent Crockett on contentment:
* The grass is always greenest in the center of God’s will.
*A nicer golf course won't make you a better golfer. A nicer environment won't make you a better person.
*Has it ever occurred to you that the things you now have were once things you were trying to get?
* Contentment in life is not found in a perfect set of circumstances but by choosing to be happy in every situation.
The last quote is my favorite - being content is a choice. And it is my choice to make 2011 a year of purposefully learning contentment.
A website that I have recently fallen in love with is http://www.aholyexperience.com/. Ann Voskamp is such a beautiful writer, and I have told more than one person that her site has changed my life. ;) One thing I am doing to intentionally learn to be content this year is by following the 100 Day Calendar found here. More and more I want to have a grateful heart, for truly God has blessed me with so much. I am choosing to develop 3 new habits over the next 100 days.
It's hard to be discontent when you count your blessings.

Finding Peace

A few people have asked me what has changed in me lately. Asking because of the different focus of my blog. And I have an answer.

It's been a long time coming.

I have been distracted for quite some time now. Very distracted. I have been searching for pleasures in the world; pleasures that most would consider "good," but they have caused turmoil in my own heart. (We are all different, so what causes me strife could be quite different than what causes strife in your life.)

When the Holy Spirit first laid on my heart the desire to return home full-time with my kiddos, I cut Him off saying, "There's just no way. We can't afford it." Of course, what I was really saying is, "If I lose my salary, I will never get the things that I want." I can be a very selfish person. And the Holy Spirit can be very persistent.

Almost a year after I heard the Holy Spirit's first whisper, it was clear to me that His desires were to be greater and more important than my own. His desire for me to be home raising my children was much greater than my desire to move one step closer to my dream house. His desire for me to devote myself to Him was much greater than my desire to "get ahead" in this world.

So here I find myself on a tight budget, in our little home, and staying right where we are. And here is where I am finding unfathomable Peace. Isn't it true that spiritual blessings are often hidden in our greatest trials?

We don't have the money in our budget to eat out like we used to...and guess what?!?! I am finding it easier and easier (and even enjoyable) to involve the kiddos in cooking with me in our kitchen. Where I lacked patience before, I now ask Ella Beth and Landon to help me with preparing our meals.

I used to complain about our small house all. of. the. time. But now you know what I honestly do? If my mind starts drifting in that direction, I simply think about how many Haitians could live in our house. How many could comfortably live here and be thankful to be off of the streets of Port Au Prince and out of a tent.

I am immediately humbled. And I am thankful for the blessing of a small, but very nice and warm and safe home.



When I was working to meet my own desires, I had no peace. Sure, I had things to look forward to, but I was running in circles trying to fill a huge void with the wrong pieces. I was trying to find peace in things that have no Eternal significance - things that will perish. Silly, silly me.

So now I am simply thankful that things do not always go my way. My heart is filling up more and more each day with the Lord's sweet and amazing Peace. That is all that has changed in me. It is a simple change in my heart, but it is a great change in my life.

A Thankful Heart

My mom gave me a daily devotional for Christmas called, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Sarah has been a missionary throughout the world for years, and she has written these daily devotions as though Jesus is speaking directly to us. And, through His Word, He truly is.

The devotion a couple of days ago has really struck a chord with me. It corresponds to Habit #1 so perfectly, and it has helped to guide my "counting of blessings."

Jauary 17
Come to Me with a thankful heart, so that you can enjoy My Presence. This is the day that I have made. I want you to rejoice today, refusing to worry about tomorrow. Search for all that I have prepared for you, anticipating abundant blessings and accepting difficulties as they come. I can weave miracles into the most mundane day if you keep your focus on Me.
     Come to Me with all your needs, knowing that My glorious riches are a more-than-adequate supply. Stay in continual communication with Me, so that you can live above your circumstances even while you are in the midst of them. Present your requests to Me with thanksgiving, and My Peace, wich surpasses all comprehension, will guard your heart and your mind.

I love how she said, "I [Jesus] can weave miracles into the most mundane day if you keep your focus on Me." Isn't that the truth?! If I keep my heart and mind focused on Jesus throughout my day, blessings seem to pop up everywhere. I am more aware of the sweetness of my children's kisses. I am more aware of those in my life who are true friends and true blessings. And I am more aware of the stillness in my heart that can only be from the Lord.

So I come to God daily with a thankful heart. By simply counting my blessings I see how "much" God has blessed me with. But even better than that, my heart is in awe that the most special blessing of all is God's presence in my life. What more is there to be thankful for? When my heart is satisfied by being in His Presence, it is free to live for Him - to give Him all the Glory.

Psalm 118:24; Philippians 4:19, 6-7

Habit 3

No, I haven't given up on my new habits of 2011. And, I don't plan to!

But where did I get my new habits? In all honesty, they aren't too original. As a matter of fact, they are very old habits.

"The Bible is God's letter to us. It's His truth for our lives. But we have to dig in a mine for the gold He has for us. A miner would never just walk into a cave, take a look around and say, 'Hmm. Don't see any gold here.' We can't just open God's Word, read a few lines and say, 'I don't see anything that applies to me.' A miner takes his pick and ax and begins chipping away to find the gold. We all have to do that with God's Word. We have to stay committed and keep digging...[the words] may have been written some two thousand years ago, but they are no less relevant today. We need God's truth in our lives...The more God's truth sinks into your heart and mind, the easier it will be to let Him lead you through." (Savage, living with less so your family has more)

So my third habit of 2011 is to read my Bible daily. This 3rd habit was actually the first habit that I decided upon, but it was through my daily reading that I found my other two. Imagine that. ;)

The "method" I'm starting with is reading one chapter in Proverbs each day. There are thirty-one chapters in Proverbs, and there are thirty-one days in the majority of months each year. I will start each day's reading with the chapter of Proverbs that corresponds to that day of the month. (e.g. Today is January 13, so I read Proverbs 13) In addition, I am currently studying the book of Luke. This is not my own "method," I've heard others suggest it before; I am enjoying it quite a bit. Every day, new wisdom is revealed to me in Proverbs and simply studying God's word feeds my soul.

I didn't make any health-related resolutions this year, but in light of the new habits I have made I am feeling very well inside. :)

Habit 2

I have seen with my own eyes and experienced with all of my senses what it is to be in need. I have traveled to both Kenya, Africa and Port Au Prince, Haiti and my heart has been broken for what breaks God's heart.

What has amazed me the most about the people in those countries is how BIG their faith is. They rely on God for everything, and trust that He will provide no matter how dim their realities look. Talk about life-changing priorities. Here I complain about being hungry if I haven't had a good lunch, but they don't complain. About anything. They are happy for what they have and feel blessed. They have so little, but they cherish what they do have and know that it is from God. And they thank Him.

That is why I have carefully chosen my second new habit of 2011. Habit 2 is going to be the most difficult of the 3 I am afraid, but I am committed to it.

I am not going to complain.

For me, the act of complaining is NOT just a statement (a whine, really) that I am not getting my way. No, for me it opens the door for discontentment. My thoughts begin to travel, and my sinful heart is swept so easily into feeling sorry for myself or wishing I had a different set of circumstances.

Sadly, it's a never-ending cycle. And every situation can find its way down the path of discontentment if allowed to do so.

I am thankful for the Spirit who so gently rebukes and reveals the ugliness inside of my own heart. And who forgives me and reminds me to count my blessings.

I am extraordinarily blessed. And I won't complain lest my heart forget.

Habit 1

My mom had a friend who had the sweetest spirit. Even when she was days away from meeting our Lord, if you asked her, "How are you doing?" she always responded, "I am blessed."

That is the type of woman I want to be.

Therefore, my first new habit of 2011 is to count my blessings every day.

It is hard to be discontent when you count your blessings. 

* A personal relationship with my Savior

* Friends

* Food to eat

* Clothes to wear

* A nice, warm house to live in when it's freezing outside

* Brownies made with lots of help from little hands

* Clean water

* Toothbrushes and toothpaste

* Books to read

* Soft pillows and a soft, warm bed

* Snuggles

I could go on and on, but I'll stop with this...

* The love of my family

I feel more content already. :)
Truly I am blessed.

Discontentment

God has really been laying on my heart lately how easily I fall into the trap of being discontent. So I am going to concentrate 2011 on the art of being content.


Phillipians 4:11-12 says, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."



I believe the key word in these verses is "learned." In our society (and apparently in societies many years ago) there is always the pull to want something different than what we have.
 
I found these quotes by Kent Crockett on contentment:
 
* The grass is always greenest in the center of God’s will.
 
*A nicer golf course won't make you a better golfer. A nicer environment won't make you a better person.
 
*Has it ever occurred to you that the things you now have were once things you were trying to get?




* Contentment in life is not found in a perfect set of circumstances but by choosing to be happy in every situation.

The last quote is my favorite - being content is a choice. And it is my choice to make 2011 a year of purposefully learning contentment.
 
A website that I have recently fallen in love with is http://www.aholyexperience.com/. Ann Voskamp is such a beautiful writer, and I have told more than one person that her site has changed my life. ;) One thing I am doing to intentionally learn to be content this year is by following the 100 Day Calendar found here. More and more I want to have a grateful heart, for truly God has blessed me with so much. I am choosing to develop 3 new habits over the next 100 days.
 
It's hard to be discontent when you count your blessings.

Day 3

Today marks Day 3 of homeschooling in the Castleberry household. Things are going very well. Aside from cursive handwriting, ahem. Ella Beth just soaks up everything that we go over, and I am finding that the Kindergarten curriculum is just a review for Ella Beth despite the fact that she is just 4 years old. We are doing 3-5 lessons a day in about 45 minutes. But that is just fine for now. I am using this "review" as a time for Ella Beth and me to adjust to homeschooling. It's a pretty big adjustment.

Ella Beth has been in Montessori school for the last two years, and has truly thrived in the Montessori enviornment. Or, let me be clear - she has thrived educationally in the Montessori classroom. Socially, that's a different story all together. Which answers the question I have been asked so frequently lately:

Why are you choosing to homeschool?

There is not one simple answer to this question. Rather, a myriad of issuse led to my decision. The Montessori approach to teaching is truly phenomenal, and if you have not done any research into Montessori education, I highly recommend it! I am going to be supplementing the curriculum that we are using as much as possible with Montessori activities and manipulatives.

However, as good as the Montessori approach is (and I truly believe it is), there are also many things that counter the values that we, well, value in our home. More times than I can count, Ella Beth has come home with stories that just shock me. Ella Beth is just 4, but when she was 3 the stories started: "__________ called me stupid and said my shirt was ugly." "________ says that I'm not her friend any more and she's not going to invite me to her birthday party." "_________" says that there are vampires in her back yard who come to drink blood at night."

Wow. At four years old, Ella Beth has heard words that we have never spoken in our house, and has repeated those words; she has been exposed to vampires; she has been bullied; she has been treated unkind and has learned how to treat others unkindly. Her school is great, and her teachers were just wonderful. But when it came down to Ella Beth's heart, it was not being developed the way that our family desires.

So, I have chosen to shelter my children. Bring on all criticism because I can defend my decision. :) I am choosing eternal importance above temperal.

How about some honesty?

I'll be honest and say that I am not always the most honest person. Now, don't go thinking I'm a liar and a cheat...because I am neither of those things. But I am an "inward" person. I keep a lot of stuff hidden - which by definition makes me a somewhat dishonest person.

For as long as I can remember, I have subconsciously believed that women aren't supposed to be opinionated; they are supposed to keep their thoughts to themselves - especially if those thoughts are anything close to "controversial." Opinionated people are obnoxious. People don't like to be around others unless they are happy and upbeat and encouraging. All of the time.

So, that's what I (typically) do. No matter what's going on inside of me, I put on the upbeat face believing that no one really wants to know what's going on underneath the surface.

Occasionally, I will post something deeper on my blog. I am almost always confused by the responses I get. Most people do not comment on my deeper posts, but I see that they visit. If someone does comment, it's usually by way of an email or phone call asking the same question, "Are you OK?" Not the, "Hey, is everything alright?" No, I'm talking about the, "Um, Amber, are YOU OK? Has a screw come loose?"

So then I go back to just posting pretty pictures of my kiddos and family. All smiling. :)

Then, I get a letter from a friend of mine. A real letter. In the mail. To me.

This friend addressed something with me and my personality that I have always known about myself. She told me that she thought I was a very spiritually mature person, but that my "standoff-ish personality made it difficult for others to get to know me and have a deep friendship with me and benefit from my spiritual maturity."

Now that's some brutal honesty there, folks. And I appreciated it. (Well, I appreciated it after some honest prayer time with God and some honest conversation with my hubby.)

But here is my delimma: I don't think everyone appreciates honesty. I honestly don't.

I think most people like to pretend their way through life. So, that's what I have done for as long as I can remember. Yes, my life is wonderful, but there are areas in which I struggle. And when I say that I struggle, I mean that I am fully submerged in a knock-down-drag-out-fight. But, most people never know. Because I don't think people always want to know.
But, maybe I'm wrong?

Well, 2011 is going to be a year of honesty for me. With others and with myself. My hope is that this honesty will come through to others as an invitation to truly know me. To know that I cry easily, though most people haven't seen me cry. To know that I struggle with relating to God as a Father because I really never had a great earthly example of one. To know that I struggle with insecurity to the point that I am an OCD perfectionist at everything. To know that when I love, I love deeply and with my whole heart. And to know that it's hard for me to love with my whole heart because I'm scared that it will be wounded.

Do you really want to know those things?

I haven't meant to be standoff-ish to anyone, and I apologize if you, too, have felt that way. I hope that I am able to be truly honest and "real" from now on. Hey, it can go one of two ways - I can either lose all of the friends that I have, or I can make new friends and have truer relationships. I'm praying for the latter...but if my posts are all smiles and pretty pictures, you'll know which way it went. ;)