How about some honesty?

I'll be honest and say that I am not always the most honest person. Now, don't go thinking I'm a liar and a cheat...because I am neither of those things. But I am an "inward" person. I keep a lot of stuff hidden - which by definition makes me a somewhat dishonest person.

For as long as I can remember, I have subconsciously believed that women aren't supposed to be opinionated; they are supposed to keep their thoughts to themselves - especially if those thoughts are anything close to "controversial." Opinionated people are obnoxious. People don't like to be around others unless they are happy and upbeat and encouraging. All of the time.

So, that's what I (typically) do. No matter what's going on inside of me, I put on the upbeat face believing that no one really wants to know what's going on underneath the surface.

Occasionally, I will post something deeper on my blog. I am almost always confused by the responses I get. Most people do not comment on my deeper posts, but I see that they visit. If someone does comment, it's usually by way of an email or phone call asking the same question, "Are you OK?" Not the, "Hey, is everything alright?" No, I'm talking about the, "Um, Amber, are YOU OK? Has a screw come loose?"

So then I go back to just posting pretty pictures of my kiddos and family. All smiling. :)

Then, I get a letter from a friend of mine. A real letter. In the mail. To me.

This friend addressed something with me and my personality that I have always known about myself. She told me that she thought I was a very spiritually mature person, but that my "standoff-ish personality made it difficult for others to get to know me and have a deep friendship with me and benefit from my spiritual maturity."

Now that's some brutal honesty there, folks. And I appreciated it. (Well, I appreciated it after some honest prayer time with God and some honest conversation with my hubby.)

But here is my delimma: I don't think everyone appreciates honesty. I honestly don't.

I think most people like to pretend their way through life. So, that's what I have done for as long as I can remember. Yes, my life is wonderful, but there are areas in which I struggle. And when I say that I struggle, I mean that I am fully submerged in a knock-down-drag-out-fight. But, most people never know. Because I don't think people always want to know.
But, maybe I'm wrong?

Well, 2011 is going to be a year of honesty for me. With others and with myself. My hope is that this honesty will come through to others as an invitation to truly know me. To know that I cry easily, though most people haven't seen me cry. To know that I struggle with relating to God as a Father because I really never had a great earthly example of one. To know that I struggle with insecurity to the point that I am an OCD perfectionist at everything. To know that when I love, I love deeply and with my whole heart. And to know that it's hard for me to love with my whole heart because I'm scared that it will be wounded.

Do you really want to know those things?

I haven't meant to be standoff-ish to anyone, and I apologize if you, too, have felt that way. I hope that I am able to be truly honest and "real" from now on. Hey, it can go one of two ways - I can either lose all of the friends that I have, or I can make new friends and have truer relationships. I'm praying for the latter...but if my posts are all smiles and pretty pictures, you'll know which way it went. ;)