Over the past few months (let's say 11 ;)), I've really been having a hard time figuring out what I want from life. It's been easy to look into the future and say, "in 10 years I want to be in a big house with a new mini-van in the garage and a big savings account at the bank." But looking at the right now? That's been tricky.
I've always had the mindset that the "right now" determines the future. And, while that can be the case, sometimes I have to dig a little deeper. The "right now" that I'm craving could be what leads to where I *think* I want to be in 10 years, but not necessarily.
You see, more than the materialism of what my dreams have always held for the future is God's calling in my life. And right now, it's going in the complete.opposite.direction. of where I thought it would.
Scott and I have made the (tough) decision for me to stay home. On his income. And no included benefits.
Less money = greater dreams??? For us, yes.
I'm not going to dream of that bigger and better house so that I can be content with the house that I have.
I'm not going to give all of my energy to my job so that I can give it to my husband and kiddos.
I'm not going to spend money on just anything so I can budget and save for what's important.
I'm not going to look to culture to sell me on my desires so that I can study God's word and find what His true desires are for me.
I'm not going to settle for what's good so that I can live my life for what's best.
It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Why Was I in Haiti?
People keep asking me, "So, how was Haiti?"
It was amazing. As a team member put it, my time in Haiti was life-bending. I won't say life-changing because my life hasn't changed much at all since I've been home - still working part time, still a mama and wife full time. However, my view of life has changed. When I look around, what I see "bends" and everything looks different with my new perspective.
The devastation and living conditions in Haiti are beyond explanation; pictures don't - can't - do it justice. The living conditions are deplorable. The closest I can come to explain the conditions are to tell you that Slumdog Millionaire had them right. (BTW, if you haven't seen that movie, I highly recommend it.)
Despite the devastation of the earthquake and the already indescribable abject poverty, the people of Haiti are hopeful people. And when you ask them what gives them hope their answer is always, "Jesus." Can I tell you what those precious people did to my small faith??? They GREW my faith in a BIG way. Isn't Jesus our ONLY hope? Truly He is.
I spent most of my time working in an infant and toddler orphanage called The Creche. It was the most difficult time of my trip. There were 18 infants in one room, about the size of a "normal" bedroom here in America. 14 Cribs were stacked two-high, and the other 4 babies (around 11-13 months) slept on two pack-n-play mattresses pushed together on the floor. The older toddlers slept in the same size cribs one room away. There were 32 children ages 14 months-8 years old. The oldest children slept two to a bed, many times with a younger sibling. The smells inside The Creche were nauseating. The sounds of so many babies and toddlers crying were deafening and heartbreaking. There were usually only two women in the infant room. Two women and 18 babies. Sometimes there was only one. Our team did the best we could, usually with two babies in our arms, to soothe them. Those precious women are somewhat numb to the cries of the infants, but I suppose they have to be...in order to get everything that needs to be done, done. They must wash all of the babies, apply lotion b/c the temperature is so h.o.t., change the sheets, change diapers, feed the babies, clean the nursery, change more diapers, feed more babies, and it goes on and on. I admire what they do, and pray for just a fraction of their patience, because four days wore me slap out. And broke my heart to where it will never be the same.
I guess I was so touched by my time in the orphanage because I am a mom. I can tell you that I desperately wanted to take home Judeson with me, and I would have gladly opened my arms to a couple more. Which is where the answer to the question, "So what was the number one thing that happened to you while you were in Haiti?" comes in...It was Wednesday, the last workday in Haiti, before we were headed out to the airport early Thursday morning. I had been working in the Creche all day, and our group decided that we would call it a day at 3 p.m. We were all tired, and I was covered in poop, urine, spit-up, food, you name it. The guys and the rest of the ladies from the other worksites had not returned yet, so I was in my room alone. I started packing things in to my bag, and then I sat down to journal. Now, Haiti is far from running on electricity like we do here in the States. There was a Very. Loud. Generator. outside of our room that ran almost all day long. As I was sitting on my bed, I could hear babies crying over the generator. It made me pause and think, "Awww, that just breaks my heart." But that's about it. Then I heard God ask me, "Amber, why are you here?" I stopped journaling for just a moment and thought to myself, "Well, I have some time to kill so I just wanted to write about my day." So I continued on. About a minute later, I heard God almost audibly ask me again, "Amber, why are you here?" I stopped. I thought, well, I've been packing to prepare to go home tomorrow (because that is what Amber does) and now I'm journaling about my day so that I won't forget anything. And one more time God asked, "But why are you HERE?" I broke down. I literally ran down to the Creche.
When I first stepped in the door of the Creche I was nervous and overwhelmed. Despite the fact that I had been there all week, this was my first time alone with all of those precious and very needy children. With tears streaming down my face (oh, it happened all the time to me while I was at the Creche. The women working there were used to it.:) I scooped up two infants in my arms, I had two toddlers on my lap, and 5 older children sitting around me. And I sang "Jesus Loves Me" to them for well over an hour. That's all I did. Through tears, because let me just tell you that they never stopped flowing after that, I sang and sang and sang. I changed the words about half-way through, and I sang "Jesus Loves You." I touched the children over and over again when I sang the word "You." The older children began singing with me and would touch themselves, too. More than anything in this world, I simply wanted them to know that Jesus. Loves. Them.
And THAT was why I was in Haiti. That was why God called me there.
It is that specific moment that I have been processing over and over again since I've been home. Yes, it's difficult to re-adjust to life after being in a third world country (even more so after a disaster), but processing my time with those beautiful children has been so hard. What is it that God is calling me to do? I am prayerfully waiting for His answer, and I can honestly tell you that I am up for anything. For the first time in my life I feel totally surrendered. It's not easy being a "planner" and not know what's coming, but there is peace in my waiting.
Thanks for letting me share about my time in Haiti. I promise to have more "life" back soon. :)
It was amazing. As a team member put it, my time in Haiti was life-bending. I won't say life-changing because my life hasn't changed much at all since I've been home - still working part time, still a mama and wife full time. However, my view of life has changed. When I look around, what I see "bends" and everything looks different with my new perspective.
The devastation and living conditions in Haiti are beyond explanation; pictures don't - can't - do it justice. The living conditions are deplorable. The closest I can come to explain the conditions are to tell you that Slumdog Millionaire had them right. (BTW, if you haven't seen that movie, I highly recommend it.)
Despite the devastation of the earthquake and the already indescribable abject poverty, the people of Haiti are hopeful people. And when you ask them what gives them hope their answer is always, "Jesus." Can I tell you what those precious people did to my small faith??? They GREW my faith in a BIG way. Isn't Jesus our ONLY hope? Truly He is.
I spent most of my time working in an infant and toddler orphanage called The Creche. It was the most difficult time of my trip. There were 18 infants in one room, about the size of a "normal" bedroom here in America. 14 Cribs were stacked two-high, and the other 4 babies (around 11-13 months) slept on two pack-n-play mattresses pushed together on the floor. The older toddlers slept in the same size cribs one room away. There were 32 children ages 14 months-8 years old. The oldest children slept two to a bed, many times with a younger sibling. The smells inside The Creche were nauseating. The sounds of so many babies and toddlers crying were deafening and heartbreaking. There were usually only two women in the infant room. Two women and 18 babies. Sometimes there was only one. Our team did the best we could, usually with two babies in our arms, to soothe them. Those precious women are somewhat numb to the cries of the infants, but I suppose they have to be...in order to get everything that needs to be done, done. They must wash all of the babies, apply lotion b/c the temperature is so h.o.t., change the sheets, change diapers, feed the babies, clean the nursery, change more diapers, feed more babies, and it goes on and on. I admire what they do, and pray for just a fraction of their patience, because four days wore me slap out. And broke my heart to where it will never be the same.
I guess I was so touched by my time in the orphanage because I am a mom. I can tell you that I desperately wanted to take home Judeson with me, and I would have gladly opened my arms to a couple more. Which is where the answer to the question, "So what was the number one thing that happened to you while you were in Haiti?" comes in...It was Wednesday, the last workday in Haiti, before we were headed out to the airport early Thursday morning. I had been working in the Creche all day, and our group decided that we would call it a day at 3 p.m. We were all tired, and I was covered in poop, urine, spit-up, food, you name it. The guys and the rest of the ladies from the other worksites had not returned yet, so I was in my room alone. I started packing things in to my bag, and then I sat down to journal. Now, Haiti is far from running on electricity like we do here in the States. There was a Very. Loud. Generator. outside of our room that ran almost all day long. As I was sitting on my bed, I could hear babies crying over the generator. It made me pause and think, "Awww, that just breaks my heart." But that's about it. Then I heard God ask me, "Amber, why are you here?" I stopped journaling for just a moment and thought to myself, "Well, I have some time to kill so I just wanted to write about my day." So I continued on. About a minute later, I heard God almost audibly ask me again, "Amber, why are you here?" I stopped. I thought, well, I've been packing to prepare to go home tomorrow (because that is what Amber does) and now I'm journaling about my day so that I won't forget anything. And one more time God asked, "But why are you HERE?" I broke down. I literally ran down to the Creche.
When I first stepped in the door of the Creche I was nervous and overwhelmed. Despite the fact that I had been there all week, this was my first time alone with all of those precious and very needy children. With tears streaming down my face (oh, it happened all the time to me while I was at the Creche. The women working there were used to it.:) I scooped up two infants in my arms, I had two toddlers on my lap, and 5 older children sitting around me. And I sang "Jesus Loves Me" to them for well over an hour. That's all I did. Through tears, because let me just tell you that they never stopped flowing after that, I sang and sang and sang. I changed the words about half-way through, and I sang "Jesus Loves You." I touched the children over and over again when I sang the word "You." The older children began singing with me and would touch themselves, too. More than anything in this world, I simply wanted them to know that Jesus. Loves. Them.
And THAT was why I was in Haiti. That was why God called me there.
It is that specific moment that I have been processing over and over again since I've been home. Yes, it's difficult to re-adjust to life after being in a third world country (even more so after a disaster), but processing my time with those beautiful children has been so hard. What is it that God is calling me to do? I am prayerfully waiting for His answer, and I can honestly tell you that I am up for anything. For the first time in my life I feel totally surrendered. It's not easy being a "planner" and not know what's coming, but there is peace in my waiting.
Thanks for letting me share about my time in Haiti. I promise to have more "life" back soon. :)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Haiti
Our view as we arrived to Haiti. It was a wonderful start to our journey.
Tent cities were set up everywhere in Port Au Prince. From the plane you could see them for hundreds of square miles.
None of us were prepared for the devastation that we encountered.
But God gives everyone, everywhere, beauty to behold. This is the view from where we stayed - Bethel Guest House.
Meet Judeson. We fell in love with this beautiful and precious little boy. 9 months old.
Doesn't he look like he belongs with us?! If he wasn't already adopted and on the waiting list to go home, he would be a Castleberry. My heart still longs for Judeson.
The people in Haiti must go on. They are strong and resourceful, but they still need your prayers.
Friday and Saturday have been a blur, maybe because every time I try to talk about my time in Haiti, I have been a blubbering mess. Everywhere I look I see Haiti, and cant get it out of my head. I am having a difficult time adjusting to being home - back to life in the "real world." Everywhere I look I see the gaudy-ness of selfish lives. I see people living as though nothing matters. It's hard.
Don't really know where to go next. I still need time decompress and find a way to stay in this state of mind. I don't want to go back to living on my terms, but living in a way that is totally reliant on HIS terms.
What we experienced was truly something special, and don't know if it can be fully explained. What God did in our midst was truly awesome. What He allowed me to see and experience was not by accident, and I need to continue to search what that purpose is. I hope there are many more experiences in Haiti for me.
I think this is applicable all of us and our friends in Haiti:"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'"
Jeremiah 29:11-13
Monday, June 14, 2010
Processing my thoughts
I can't believe that we leave for Haiti in just 4 short days. I am definitely feeling prepared "stuff" wise with packing and getting things ready. That's the easy stuff.
However, I have to be honest that I'm starting to feel the anxiety of leading 31 other people through a third-world country that is full of devastation and disease. The water is bad. People from previous trips have come home very ill - no amount of antibiotics have helped them and they are being tested for parasites today.
I have also been very sick this last week. I'm starting to feel a little better (maybe...I think I'm just trying to convince myself). I'm going to the doctor this afternoon to get some medicine because I'm really nervous about going into Haiti already sick.
And, no surprise here, one of my kiddos is not feeling well. This time it's Landon. Yesterday, he slept until 10:30 a.m. Landon - who usually wakes up at 6:40 a.m. Every. Single. Morning. I checked on him every 10 minutes because I was getting so worried about him. Then, he fell asleep in Scott's arms in the living room at 1:30 p.m. and slept for 2 1/2 hours. Sheesh. He woke up with a fever, so I know his little body is fighting something.
But...I just have to call it what it is. Spiritual Warfare. Satan is relentless when we are about to do something BIG for our God. It's tough. It makes me want to scream - especially when he starts attacking my family. But, I am just trusting that God is up to BIG things.
---
OK, all of that is out of the way. So, Haiti is coming in 4 days. I'm excited, but also realistic about what we are going to do. It's going to be about 110 degrees. HOT. The guys on our team are building homes for widows who lost everything, including their husbands, in the earthquake. The ladies on our team will be split between an orphanage and working with women making bags to sell. I'm excited to develop relationships with the Hatitian women. There will be a language barrier, but I'm trying to pull out my French from high school and refresh. Ha!
Our team of 32 seems great. Lots of young girls who are energetic, which should be fun. Everyone seems sincere and really set on our goals as a team. I feel good in our preparations, and trying to not freak about getting 32 people through 3 different airports. Hopefully our matching team shirts will help with that. ;)
So...that's mostly my stream of consciousness today regarding Haiti. Trusting God with the rest!
However, I have to be honest that I'm starting to feel the anxiety of leading 31 other people through a third-world country that is full of devastation and disease. The water is bad. People from previous trips have come home very ill - no amount of antibiotics have helped them and they are being tested for parasites today.
I have also been very sick this last week. I'm starting to feel a little better (maybe...I think I'm just trying to convince myself). I'm going to the doctor this afternoon to get some medicine because I'm really nervous about going into Haiti already sick.
And, no surprise here, one of my kiddos is not feeling well. This time it's Landon. Yesterday, he slept until 10:30 a.m. Landon - who usually wakes up at 6:40 a.m. Every. Single. Morning. I checked on him every 10 minutes because I was getting so worried about him. Then, he fell asleep in Scott's arms in the living room at 1:30 p.m. and slept for 2 1/2 hours. Sheesh. He woke up with a fever, so I know his little body is fighting something.
But...I just have to call it what it is. Spiritual Warfare. Satan is relentless when we are about to do something BIG for our God. It's tough. It makes me want to scream - especially when he starts attacking my family. But, I am just trusting that God is up to BIG things.
---
OK, all of that is out of the way. So, Haiti is coming in 4 days. I'm excited, but also realistic about what we are going to do. It's going to be about 110 degrees. HOT. The guys on our team are building homes for widows who lost everything, including their husbands, in the earthquake. The ladies on our team will be split between an orphanage and working with women making bags to sell. I'm excited to develop relationships with the Hatitian women. There will be a language barrier, but I'm trying to pull out my French from high school and refresh. Ha!
Our team of 32 seems great. Lots of young girls who are energetic, which should be fun. Everyone seems sincere and really set on our goals as a team. I feel good in our preparations, and trying to not freak about getting 32 people through 3 different airports. Hopefully our matching team shirts will help with that. ;)
So...that's mostly my stream of consciousness today regarding Haiti. Trusting God with the rest!
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Art of Being Sheltered
I've been trying to process my thoughts on this topic for a couple of weeks, but I'd love to hear your input.
===
I shelter my kids. A LOT. And I mean to do it. I do it on purpose.
When we are in the car, the only music we listen to is Christian music (and on very special occasions fun, CLEAN, fast songs that just make us act silly). We typically listen to Seeds Family Worship - which is a fun and uplifting way for all of us to learn and meditate on Bible verses. The Bible verses are set to great music and most songs are sung by children. It's precious to hear my kids' little voices sing along. Melts my heart each time.
At home, we do not watch TV that has "real" people in it. Ella Beth is 3, and Landon is 2. Everything they watch on TV is animated. We let them watch Barney, Strawberry Shortcake (sorry Landon!), Little Bear (a huge favorite for the kiddos and the parents!), The Berenstain Bears, and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Our kiddos don't watch TV every day, nor do they watch more than a couple of these a day when the tube is on.
We read uplifting books and magazines together.
We talk in terms of our values and manners. We discuss how we should treat each others and those we love. We talk about how much we love our family and friends.
That's pretty much it.
And we are perfectly OK with that. In fact, that's exactly what we strive for.
Firstly, our kiddos are 3 and 2. They are young, and their spirits are tender.
Secondly, when we surround our children with uplifting Truth, then those are the values they know.
As most of you know, I've really been struggling lately with God and Ella Beth's health. But in all of my struggles...in all of my fightin' words and flying fists...I have known that God loves me. That the God of the universe, the God of creation and life...He loves me and in Him I find salvation.
During these past few months, the darkest in my life in terms of my faith and trust, I have also been sheltering myself. I have only listened to Christian music. Songs like "Lead Me" and "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real, and "Before the Morning" and "Savior Please" by Josh Wilson, and "Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North...those songs have been my life-blood these past few months. Songs that sing of God's love. His truth. Also the North Point AWAKE cd.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not close-minded and completely set apart from the rest of the world. I love me some country music and fun pop music that causes me to hop out of my seat and dance! And I'm a sucker for a good chick flick. :)
But what I need is Truth in my life.
I've been sheltering my own heart by not allowing it to be invaded by any other influence other than the ONLY influence that I need. I know how vulnerable my heart is, and how easily influenced it can be by this world.
The same is true of my children's hearts. They are the most impressionable and vulnerable little hearts. I want to protect them.
I want to shelter them.
So I do. As much as motherly possible.
--
Do you?
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