Readjusting

I am one of those people who has a difficult time readjusting to "normal life" after I return from a mission trip. But it's a different kind of adjustment this year. I guess over the last 2 years I've dealt with the feelings of guilt I normally return with that I was blessed to be born in the United States and have freedoms that many people in the world still do not have, that I am "rich" by the world's standards, and that my life is a good life.

This time I'm just having a hard time believing that my trip was real. You'd think that 11 days away would be very real - and it sure felt like an eternity while I was gone. But now that I'm home, it's just hard - it's as if it was all a dream and I can't remember the details. And I hate that. Our trip was so amazing, so full of God's presence, that I hate that I am having a hard time recalling all of the exact moments. I think I have realized that if Scott ever felt the calling to be a full time missionary I'd be on board in a nanosecond. Is that weird? Totally off the wall? Would my old life feel like just a dream if our family was called to serve full time? I don't know.

I am just praying that God will clear the fog because my heart already yearns to go back to Ngaamba. But, I know it will be a while before I return. Maybe that's why the fog has set in. Maybe I am subconsciously protecting my heart. I love the people of Ngaamba so much. They are truly amazing people - I don't pity them, because they don't need or want pity. In all honesty, they have everything that matters. James 2:5 says, "Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?" 

I told a couple of my team members that for the first time I have actually seen Scripture word for word evident in my life - there are the poorest of the poor living in Ngaamba, but they are rich in faith. It is just as God's word says. I have never seen faith as evident as in the lives of the precious people in Ngaamba. They tell us - Americans, white, and rich - that they will pray for us because they know He will answer. Humbled. And just in awe. Is it any wonder I long to go back?!?

So...I have thought of posting pictures...but there are just SO many to share. I took well over 700 (only because I didn't have my camera with me one day and then my battery died at the end of the week). But I narrowed them down to the best 186. :) You can view them here if you'd like.

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Thank you for all of your prayers, cards, and emails while I was gone. Scott and the kiddos were safe and healthy, and I was truly able to enjoy my time while I was away. I did miss my family, but not in a homesick way - just in a "I wish they were here to experience this with me" kind of way. But I know that without your prayers, I probably would have cried through the whole trip. So my team thanks you, and so do I. :)

My heart overflows

Mirriam and Ella Beth. Ngaamba North, Kenya, Africa. June 15, 2011.

This picture will be framed in Ella Beth's room with a letter from me about how this precious girl will always have her name.

Kenya Bound

It's the leaving that is so hard. I don't know how many tears I have shed just thinking about leaving, and now the day has arrived.

I tossed and turned too much last night to have gotten any rest. I have second guessed my decision to leave because of all of the fears that I have. All of my fears have to do with Scott and Ella Beth and Landon. Will they be safe? What if something happens while I'm gone? I want so badly to push these thoughts aside because I know they are from Satan. But it's hard.

I cling to 2 Timothy 1:7 "For the Lord has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and sound mind." I reminded Satan over and over again that he does not have the power over me to drive me crazy - unless I give it to him. And, it's been hard not to. When those fearful thoughts come up of the "what ifs" while I'm away, I can easily allow myself to go crazy.

But I stop and pray. And I simply must choose to give my children over to the One who made them, who loves them, and who has already directed their paths.

It's hard because I love them so. And I hate to say bye-bye.

I ask that as often as you think of me being gone or think of Scott and the kiddos that you would take a minute to pray for them. Please pray hard for their safety and their health. Please pray for Scott's work schedule that it won't be difficult while I am away (but that he will still have work to bring in the money that we need). Please pray for Ella Beth who is already having a hard time and I have not left yet. Today is going to be especially difficult because she knows that I am leaving the family this evening. There will be many tears shed by both of us, and it is going to be so hard to pry her arms away as I have to turn and leave. And I hate that.

But I know that God is in this. And I am Kenya bound.

Thank you, friends.