Why Was I in Haiti?

People keep asking me, "So, how was Haiti?"

It was amazing. As a team member put it, my time in Haiti was life-bending. I won't say life-changing because my life hasn't changed much at all since I've been home - still working part time, still a mama and wife full time. However, my view of life has changed. When I look around, what I see "bends" and everything looks different with my new perspective.

The devastation and living conditions in Haiti are beyond explanation; pictures don't - can't - do it justice. The living conditions are deplorable. The closest I can come to explain the conditions are to tell you that Slumdog Millionaire had them right. (BTW, if you haven't seen that movie, I highly recommend it.)

Despite the devastation of the earthquake and the already indescribable abject poverty, the people of Haiti are hopeful people. And when you ask them what gives them hope their answer is always, "Jesus." Can I tell you what those precious people did to my small faith??? They GREW my faith in a BIG way. Isn't Jesus our ONLY hope? Truly He is.

I spent most of my time working in an infant and toddler orphanage called The Creche. It was the most difficult time of my trip. There were 18 infants in one room, about the size of a "normal" bedroom here in America. 14 Cribs were stacked two-high, and the other 4 babies (around 11-13 months) slept on two pack-n-play mattresses pushed together on the floor. The older toddlers slept in the same size cribs one room away. There were 32 children ages 14 months-8 years old. The oldest children slept two to a bed, many times with a younger sibling. The smells inside The Creche were nauseating. The sounds of so many babies and toddlers crying were deafening and heartbreaking. There were usually only two women in the infant room. Two women and 18 babies. Sometimes there was only one. Our team did the best we could, usually with two babies in our arms, to soothe them. Those precious women are somewhat numb to the cries of the infants, but I suppose they have to be...in order to get everything that needs to be done, done. They must wash all of the babies, apply lotion b/c the temperature is so h.o.t., change the sheets, change diapers, feed the babies, clean the nursery, change more diapers, feed more babies, and it goes on and on. I admire what they do, and pray for just a fraction of their patience, because four days wore me slap out. And broke my heart to where it will never be the same.

I guess I was so touched by my time in the orphanage because I am a mom. I can tell you that I desperately wanted to take home Judeson with me, and I would have gladly opened my arms to a couple more. Which is where the answer to the question, "So what was the number one thing that happened to you while you were in Haiti?" comes in...It was Wednesday, the last workday in Haiti, before we were headed out to the airport early Thursday morning. I had been working in the Creche all day, and our group decided that we would call it a day at 3 p.m. We were all tired, and I was covered in poop, urine, spit-up, food, you name it. The guys and the rest of the ladies from the other worksites had not returned yet, so I was in my room alone. I started packing things in to my bag, and then I sat down to journal. Now, Haiti is far from running on electricity like we do here in the States. There was a Very. Loud. Generator. outside of our room that ran almost all day long. As I was sitting on my bed, I could hear babies crying over the generator. It made me pause and think, "Awww, that just breaks my heart." But that's about it. Then I heard God ask me, "Amber, why are you here?" I stopped journaling for just a moment and thought to myself, "Well, I have some time to kill so I just wanted to write about my day." So I continued on. About a minute later, I heard God almost audibly ask me again, "Amber, why are you here?" I stopped. I thought, well, I've been packing to prepare to go home tomorrow (because that is what Amber does) and now I'm journaling about my day so that I won't forget anything. And one more time God asked, "But why are you HERE?" I broke down. I literally ran down to the Creche.

When I first stepped in the door of the Creche I was nervous and overwhelmed. Despite the fact that I had been there all week, this was my first time alone with all of those precious and very needy children. With tears streaming down my face (oh, it happened all the time to me while I was at the Creche. The women working there were used to it.:) I scooped up two infants in my arms, I had two toddlers on my lap, and 5 older children sitting around me. And I sang "Jesus Loves Me" to them for well over an hour. That's all I did. Through tears, because let me just tell you that they never stopped flowing after that, I sang and sang and sang. I changed the words about half-way through, and I sang "Jesus Loves You." I touched the children over and over again when I sang the word "You." The older children began singing with me and would touch themselves, too. More than anything in this world, I simply wanted them to know that Jesus. Loves. Them.

And THAT was why I was in Haiti. That was why God called me there.

It is that specific moment that I have been processing over and over again since I've been home. Yes, it's difficult to re-adjust to life after being in a third world country (even more so after a disaster), but processing my time with those beautiful children has been so hard. What is it that God is calling me to do? I am prayerfully waiting for His answer, and I can honestly tell you that I am up for anything. For the first time in my life I feel totally surrendered. It's not easy being a "planner" and not know what's coming, but there is peace in my waiting.

Thanks for letting me share about my time in Haiti. I promise to have more "life" back soon. :)

Haiti

Our view as we arrived to Haiti. It was a wonderful start to our journey.
Tent cities were set up everywhere in Port Au Prince. From the plane you could see them for hundreds of square miles.

None of us were prepared for the devastation that we encountered.

But God gives everyone, everywhere, beauty to behold. This is the view from where we stayed - Bethel Guest House.

Meet Judeson. We fell in love with this beautiful and precious little boy. 9 months old.


Doesn't he look like he belongs with us?! If he wasn't already adopted and on the waiting list to go home, he would be a Castleberry. My heart still longs for Judeson.






The people in Haiti must go on. They are strong and resourceful, but they still need your prayers.

Friday and Saturday have been a blur, maybe because every time I try to talk about my time in Haiti, I have been a blubbering mess. Everywhere I look I see Haiti, and cant get it out of my head. I am having a difficult time adjusting to being home - back to life in the "real world." Everywhere I look I see the gaudy-ness of selfish lives. I see people living as though nothing matters. It's hard.

Don't really know where to go next. I still need time decompress and find a way to stay in this state of mind. I don't want to go back to living on my terms, but living in a way that is totally reliant on HIS terms.

What we experienced was truly something special, and don't know if it can be fully explained. What God did in our midst was truly awesome. What He allowed me to see and experience was not by accident, and I need to continue to search what that purpose is. I hope there are many more experiences in Haiti for me.

I think this is applicable all of us and our friends in Haiti:

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'"

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Processing my thoughts

I can't believe that we leave for Haiti in just 4 short days. I am definitely feeling prepared "stuff" wise with packing and getting things ready. That's the easy stuff.

However, I have to be honest that I'm starting to feel the anxiety of leading 31 other people through a third-world country that is full of devastation and disease. The water is bad. People from previous trips have come home very ill - no amount of antibiotics have helped them and they are being tested for parasites today.

I have also been very sick this last week. I'm starting to feel a little better (maybe...I think I'm just trying to convince myself). I'm going to the doctor this afternoon to get some medicine because I'm really nervous about going into Haiti already sick.

And, no surprise here, one of my kiddos is not feeling well. This time it's Landon. Yesterday, he slept until 10:30 a.m. Landon - who usually wakes up at 6:40 a.m. Every. Single. Morning. I checked on him every 10 minutes because I was getting so worried about him. Then, he fell asleep in Scott's arms in the living room at 1:30 p.m. and slept for 2 1/2 hours. Sheesh. He woke up with a fever, so I know his little body is fighting something.

But...I just have to call it what it is. Spiritual Warfare. Satan is relentless when we are about to do something BIG for our God. It's tough. It makes me want to scream - especially when he starts attacking my family. But, I am just trusting that God is up to BIG things.

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OK, all of that is out of the way. So, Haiti is coming in 4 days. I'm excited, but also realistic about what we are going to do. It's going to be about 110 degrees. HOT. The guys on our team are building homes for widows who lost everything, including their husbands, in the earthquake. The ladies on our team will be split between an orphanage and working with women making bags to sell. I'm excited to develop relationships with the Hatitian women. There will be a language barrier, but I'm trying to pull out my French from high school and refresh. Ha!

Our team of 32 seems great. Lots of young girls who are energetic, which should be fun. Everyone seems sincere and really set on our goals as a team. I feel good in our preparations, and trying to not freak about getting 32 people through 3 different airports. Hopefully our matching team shirts will help with that. ;)

So...that's mostly my stream of consciousness today regarding Haiti. Trusting God with the rest!

The Art of Being Sheltered

I've been trying to process my thoughts on this topic for a couple of weeks, but I'd love to hear your input.

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I shelter my kids. A LOT. And I mean to do it. I do it on purpose.

When we are in the car, the only music we listen to is Christian music (and on very special occasions fun, CLEAN, fast songs that just make us act silly). We typically listen to Seeds Family Worship - which is a fun and uplifting way for all of us to learn and meditate on Bible verses. The Bible verses are set to great music and most songs are sung by children. It's precious to hear my kids' little voices sing along. Melts my heart each time.

At home, we do not watch TV that has "real" people in it. Ella Beth is 3, and Landon is 2. Everything they watch on TV is animated. We let them watch Barney, Strawberry Shortcake (sorry Landon!), Little Bear (a huge favorite for the kiddos and the parents!), The Berenstain Bears, and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Our kiddos don't watch TV every day, nor do they watch more than a couple of these a day when the tube is on.

We read uplifting books and magazines together.

We talk in terms of our values and manners. We discuss how we should treat each others and those we love. We talk about how much we love our family and friends.

That's pretty much it.

And we are perfectly OK with that. In fact, that's exactly what we strive for.

Firstly, our kiddos are 3 and 2. They are young, and their spirits are tender.

Secondly, when we surround our children with uplifting Truth, then those are the values they know.

As most of you know, I've really been struggling lately with God and Ella Beth's health. But in all of my struggles...in all of my fightin' words and flying fists...I have known that God loves me. That the God of the universe, the God of creation and life...He loves me and in Him I find salvation.

During these past few months, the darkest in my life in terms of my faith and trust, I have also been sheltering myself. I have only listened to Christian music. Songs like "Lead Me" and "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real, and "Before the Morning" and "Savior Please" by Josh Wilson, and "Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North...those songs have been my life-blood these past few months. Songs that sing of God's love. His truth. Also the North Point AWAKE cd.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not close-minded and completely set apart from the rest of the world. I love me some country music and fun pop music that causes me to hop out of my seat and dance! And I'm a sucker for a good chick flick. :)

But what I need is Truth in my life.

I've been sheltering my own heart by not allowing it to be invaded by any other influence other than the ONLY influence that I need. I know how vulnerable my heart is, and how easily influenced it can be by this world.

The same is true of my children's hearts. They are the most impressionable and vulnerable little hearts. I want to protect them.

I want to shelter them.

So I do. As much as motherly possible.

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Do you?

Shattered Dreams

I am reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. Actually, I am reading it and re-reading it at the same time. It has been such a profound book for me and "where I'm at" that I find that I can't read it like a typical book. I have read each chapter at least 3 times, and I am only on Chapter 8.Basically, the book is based on the idea that

       "Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit first to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream."

Chapter One is titled, "My Problem With God." I knew that I was going to find this book enlightening just by that title. You see, 2009 has been a year where I have had my fair share of "problems with God." Call me a brat (and it's OK if you do...nicely please...because I have called myself one recently) - so call me a brat, but I've really been fed up with God because I simply haven't been getting my way.

Wow. Talk about cold reality.

When I finally came to terms with what I've really been struggling with over the past 12 months, it hit me like a fist in the face.

I haven't been getting my way. And I've been bitter about it.

You see, in my worldly opinion there's nothing wrong with My Way. I want healthy children. Seems fair to ask for; fair to receive. I want a different, nicer, bigger house. Seems fair to ask for; everyone else I know has one.

God has not granted me either of my requests. Ella Beth still gets sick too often with no medical explanations, and we are still crammed in our split foyer, carrying groceries upstairs from the garage, little bitty house.

And I've been bitter.

As Crabb asks, "How do we trust a sometimes disappointing, seemingly fickle God who fails to do for us what good friends, if they could, would do?"

And then he answers.

"The problem sincere Christians have with God often comes down to a wrong understanding of what this life is meant to provide. We naturally and wrongly assume we're here to experience something God has never promised...Both good hopes and best hopes are guaranteed in heaven. But fulfillment of the best hopes is not yet promised in this life."

The highest dream we can ever experience is being in the presence of God. We will not suffer in heaven. Every imaginable dream will come true.

But this life is not meant to provide the fulfillment of the highest dream. This life is meant to "stir an appetite for a higher purpose -- the better hope of knowing God well enough to love Him above everything else...and trusting Him no matter what happens." Trusting Him above our shattered dreams.

Trusting God above our shattered dreams.

Trusting God when we don't get our way.

Trusting God even when He seems so distant we wonder if He even cares.

It's hard.

For me, I have wrongly equated God blessing me with God loving me. If God gives me what I want, He must love me. If God refuses to grant my requests, He must be with-holding His love from me.

But, I couldn't be more wrong.

It's hard to even type this - but having healthy children (specifically Ella Beth, my 3-year old daughter) is just a Good Dream. It's not the Best Dream.

A nicer house is just a good dream.

God doesn't want me to settle for Good when He can provide what's Best.

Shattered dreams open the door to this Best Dream, a dream that we do not properly understand until those "good dreams" are destroyed.

My good dreams have been destroyed. Over and over again. Two separate contracts on our house falling through. Ella Beth hospitalized, re-hospitalized, relapsing, and still having no medical conclusion.

Destruction of dreams is painful. It has been tear-wrenching, fist-waving, fightin' word screaming, door shutting slamming (me, not God) - hard.

But this suffering still has a purpose. It's been long; it's been hard; it's been trying and frustrating. But is has also been bringing me to the place where I no longer want to settle.

I no longer want to demand what's good.

I am beginning to desire what's best.

Crabb envisions Jesus speaking to us in the Garden of Gethsemane saying,

        "Some of your fondest dreams will shatter, and you will be tempted to lose hope. I will seem to you callous or, worse, weak -- unresponsive to your pain. You will wonder if I cannot do anything or simply will not. I will seem to withdraw from you and do nothing. BUT, a plan is unfolding that you can not clearly see. If you could see it as I do, you would still hurt [shattered dreams], but you would not lose hope. You would gladly remain faithful to me in the middle of the worst suffering."

Why?

Because we have hope of the BEST that is to come.

Is More really More? Or is Less More?

The question of What's more - More? or Less? has really been on my heart lately.

I find myself wanting to be involved in everything so that I'm not missing out on anything. Admittedly, I am on Facebook too often, was on Twitter too often, and am also addicted to my friends' blogs.

In the last two months all of the time I have been "investing" in everything else has started to weigh on my heart. Earlier this week I spent almost 2 hours on Facebook - chatting with old friends, looking through photo albums, creating new photo albums on my own account, catching up on what my friends (and acquaintances) are up to. I honestly felt as though I deserved that "down time" in my day because I had not had much time to myself lately. But at the end of those 2 hours, I felt a conviction in my heart.

It's like I heard God saying to me, "Those last two hours could have been spent with Me."

Talk about causing me to pause.

So what do I do with that conviction? My first reaction was to immediately delete my Facebook account. But, I didn't. Not yet, at least. I'm still praying about that.

You see, I have been able to reconnect with people on FB and through blogs - some of whom I have had the opportunity to encourage and uplift, and many of whom I have been encouraged by. I don't know what to do with that. I'm not into having a ba-zillion "friends" on FB or blog lists, so my goal is not to simply be popular. (I "ignore" friend requests often simply b/c I'm not into letting just any old acquaintance see all my business - and photos of my kiddos.) But I do enjoy connecting with old and new friends, and I have honestly seen how God can use social media as a tool for Him.

I think, for me, it's where my priorities are. Why do I "invest" so much time in small things and not truly invest in big things?

I have made a list of values. It's short, as it should be:

            *Invest in my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

            *Invest in my relationship with Scott.

            *Invest in my relationships with Ella Beth and Landon.

            *Intentionally spend time with God, Scott, Ella Beth, Landon, and close family and friends so that I can be built up with encouragement and be used by God to further His Kingdom.

Hmmm...doesn't seem like FB and other fore mentioned distractions fit in with my values too well.

I feel that I have been making some progress. In the last month, I have made a rule for myself that when I am spending time with my kiddos the computer stays OFF. For me, the internet is like this massive black hole that sucks me in and distracts me.

And, I don't want to be distracted.

I have such fleeting time with Ella Beth (who is already closing in on 3 1/2) and Landon (who is almost 2). Why do I want to be distracted from that? Why do I want to waste what precious time I have with them?

Like I said, I don't.

I've really decided to start blogging more intentionally, from my heart (when my kiddos are asleep!). And I'm going to be spending less time on Facebook. Hopefully, my true friends will still know where to find me and send their encouragement. :)

So...my answer to the question "What's more - More? or Less?"

For me, it's what defines More/Less.

If it's More time being intentionally devoted to my values - then the answer is More.

If it's Less time being distracted and pulled away from where my heart is truly led - to the cross of my Savior - then the answer is Less.

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What's your answer?